seinfeld always applies.

jerry seinfeld does this one bit in his stand up where he talks about grocery shopping. it's pretty hilarious. the whole thing is basically about being overwhelmed in a grocery store...all the products, options. at one point, he is talking about trying to decide what to buy. he says, 'i'll just go up to people and say...you look good, what are you eating?'

that's how i feel about my life right now. i know, i'm comparing my life to stand-up, but seriously. i just kinda walk around, wandering from place to place (country to country) and think, 'well, you look happy. what are YOU doing?' it's not that i'm not happy, i feel pretty happy. it's that i worry. i feel like i've been waiting for this monumental moment - some call it 'arriving.' i know people don't arrive, but most people sure act like they have. i'm not blaming/condemning them - i'm jealous of them. i want to feel certain about things, about myself. i want to know what it is that i love and what i'm supposed to 'end up' doing. i look at the people that seem to know those things and i desperately want to ask...'so when did you figure this out? at what point did you say, yep - this.is.it.?' there are so many things that aren't temporary decisions. career paths. religion. spouses. location. sure, everything can be changed and 'tweeked,' but seriously. a lot of those things, you have to sell out to make them count. you can never really establish yourself in something unless you're committed to it - jobs, faith, husbands, community. those are all things that i want (pipe down, i'm not saying i want to be married). but they are so permanent in my mind. i don't like it when people tell me we can always change our minds, we can always go a different route. NO. i don't wanna change things around. i wanna settle. not settle down. but settle. i want to feel committed to something to the point where my other decisions are based on that one constant. for instance, where i end up living. let's say i love a place enough that i will create a life that is only sustainable in that location. or a job that i would be willing to go anywhere on the planet for. why do i want such definites? why do i need things so exact? i just feel like i've been floating for a while between things. i haven't been in a secure place/location since high school. i know that was less than 5 years ago, but it feels like a long time. i don't want to be the person whose life is scattered all over the place, whose relationships get put on hold because i'm inaccessible or just not around. i did the two colleges every year thing and i hated leaving my life behind at the end of every semester just to go piece it back together with my 'other' friends who i left 8 months before that. i loved having the benefits of messiah and temple, but it's hard to constantly leave things you love. whether it's just 2 hours down the turnpike or living on a different continent, i'm just ready to have some consistency. guaranteed two months after i get home, i get bored and wanna do something else...what is wrong with me? :)

i had a great conversation with the proctor's last weekend (a southern family who lives in mbale - orthodox presbyterians who make fabulous food). phil is a pastor, i thought he would have some wise words about this stuff, and he did. i was just trying to prioritize. obviously, i have my stressors broken down into a few points: career, faith, marriage, dwelling place...haha. but which of those decisions are contingent on others? which ones get made first? what do i love more than anything and what am i willing to compromise on? don't tell me that if i love jesus enough it will all come together. i know that. the point of me writing this isn't to get answers, it's to fill you all in on the crazy that is my mind and to de-stress myself. writing it out makes it less pressing on my thoughts - it's like writing angry letters that never get sent, somehow it's therapeutic.

anyway...we were talking about how i just can't seem to pick a denomination. i have some of the basics of what i want as a doctrine/theology for my life, but i've been piddling with this for at least 3 years. i just wanna pick one and commit, sell out. i'm afraid of the legalism of some churches and cynical of the emotion in others. i want something that makes me feel good, but also something that is biblically accurate. i don't wanna 'pick' mennonite because i'm afraid of not questioning things and having my reasoning always be 'well, that's just the way it is' - but i don't wanna run away from it because there is so much of it engrained in me. mennonites shave their heads, right? kidding vern. phil guided me to figure out what aspects are most important to me and explore churches that way. look at what type of church government agrees with me. figure out what i think about baptism. that means i have to read...fiiiiiiiine.

i never thought about prioritizing decisions before though. i just kinda thought they were gonna be easy. like when i graduated college i would all of sudden just know exactly what i believed, where i wanted to live, what i wanted to do, and there would be a perfect man on his knee asking to come along for the ride. my brain was supposed to be this pocket of never ending knowledge and my mind was supposed to have morphed into ultra-decisive mode by now. meredith (phil's wife) and i continued the conversation to marriage. i was saying that i don't feel a specific vocation on my life that would prevent me from 'following' a man if he did feel a vocation on his. i want to take pictures (maybe) and help some peeps. i don't want to put limits on my life. i don't want to say, 'well, i'll never do this' because i feel like that's where i would end up. (dear LORD, please don't let me fall in love with a man who wants to live in russia!!) phil happened to preach that morning and had said, 'i think that the issue most young people wrestle with these days is who is going to be their life parter. well, at least girls do. guys wrestle with who is going to be their tonite partner.' haha - he was mostly joking, but it brought a lot of good conversation. i would be lying if i said that i didn't wrestle with that. i wrestle with becoming a wife, giving up my own life to blend it with someone else's. on the other hand, i wrestle with the idea of being content and being single for the next 10 years. this is supposed to be the fun part...the part before the ball and chain. the carefree stage where i have no responsibility and life just kinda rolls. but the decisions i make now will impact my life. the goals i set for myself and the faith i choose narrows down my playing field. not with men, haha, but with possibility. i see the possibilities i have right now. grad school, more traveling, getting a job, pursuing soccer coaching. picking one eliminates others. i'm not about elimination right now, i'm about gleaning, :). gleaning information, skill sets, relationships - basically, i wanna take from the world right now. i want to be selfish. eliminating possibilities means cutting myself off from things i love, it means compromise. but i just wanna be selfish...is that ok? probably not. for now, i'll just keep looking for the 6'0" philadelphia sports fan down on his knee, offering a decision free life. or perhaps the 5'6" chapatti man with the missing front teeth. he'll do. ;).

how does africa fit into all of this? i have NO idea. this experience has only given me more questions about myself and provided absolutely no answers. but it has been a place where i can sit back and examine - reflecting on my college experience and daring me to look ahead to when i get home. i have had time to heal some things that america (or the people that live there) have made impossible to face. it has shown me weaknesses about myself that america couldn't and it has shown me the capability we have as humans to endure, to love, and to make a hot mess of life. speaking of which, i should probably go experience some more things because it seems i've wasted a lot of time in africa thinking about my life that isn't here. wherever i end up living, whatever i end up doing to make the monies, whether i attend a baptist or nondenominational church, and whether i end up living with a husband or 50 stray cats... it doesn't REALLY matter right now. right now, i'm in africa. yesterday i made a kid cry cuz he never saw a white person. i ate moldy bread for breakfast this morning. and right now, i'm about to go take some pics of kids whose feet are backwards.

oh, one more thing: how have all of YOU been lately? :)